


Cold Bones

by BittenSapphic



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, Loss, One Shot, Prompt Fic, Terminal Illnesses, first fic, no happy ending, thasmin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:14:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,862
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25769521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BittenSapphic/pseuds/BittenSapphic
Summary: A year ago this would’ve been the Doctor’s idea of heaven, the potential of the entire universe out there to explore with her Yaz. But now it was her hell. The whole universe was out there staring back at her, taunting her, knowing how much she hated the idea of exploring it alone once again.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Cold Bones

**Author's Note:**

> The title and lines of lyrics throughout are from the song Where’s My Love by SYML. It gives me major angsty fic vibes so go listen to the alternate version: https://open.spotify.com/track/1BwBeG8Pae6uHp3w29AHvi?si=PCIc6YftSa-XZieCiZ3mDg
> 
> Disclaimers:  
> I haven’t written in a good 4-5 years (besides academic papers) so this is kind of short and a bit messy because I didn’t spend very long on it.  
> The POV’s change throughout, but I think it’s kind of obvious who is who still.  
> If the grammar is all over the place bare with me, I’ll work on it for next time.  
> Constructive criticism welcomed.
> 
> Potential trigger warning:  
> Terminal illness is discussed throughout, though not in specific detail just as the context/background. If this is something that affects you I would recommend not reading this at all. 
> 
> This is dedicated to Fi (doctorgaypanic) and Hannah (yasminkhvn) for both putting up with the screaming I had when I first thought of the idea. The fic is inspired by Fi’s tweet about 13’s last line to Yaz being along the lines of “Oh Yaz… My Yaz… You were brilliant.”

// _That’s my love._ //

It’d been just Yaz and the Doctor together for a while, travelling, exploring everything and anything they wanted to see in all of time and space, per Yaz’s request. Graham and Ryan had left to go back to their normal lives (with the occasional group trip every few months) but Yaz had stuck around. She wasn’t ready to leave yet. She wasn’t ready to let go of the Doctor, of her Doctor. The Doctor had given Yaz a purpose again, something to live for, and she didn’t know how to go through life without her, nor did she even want to. It was no secret that Yaz loved the Doctor, everyone knew; Yaz and the Doctor were inseparable now more than ever. And Yaz felt like every day was a dream, knowing the Doctor loved her back, had done the entire time they’d known each other, and said she would forever.

// _She hides away, like a ghost._ // 

Yaz hadn’t left her bed in days, maybe even weeks, she’d lost track of time. The only thing she noticed anymore was the cold ache in her bones. It was everywhere. It was constant. She knew the Doctor felt the inevitable drawing closer too because she barely left Yaz’s side anymore, only if it was an emergency or unavoidable. She would bring Yaz her painkillers like clockwork - not that they even helped anymore. She would hold a glass of water to Yaz’s lips now she no longer had the energy to do anything herself. At first Yaz felt guilty - on one hand she was becoming a burden on the Doctor, but on the other she loved the Doctor and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. 

// _If she ran away, come back home._ //

Her family knew and accepted that Yaz wanted to stay on the Tardis. When Yaz had sat them down to tell them it hadn’t been easy. The Doctor had offered to come with her but Yaz knew it was something she needed to do on her own. Her parents had sat in quiet sadness, faces expressionless to try and hold back their tears. The only acknowledgement they gave was their nods in agreement as they had held each other's hands. Sonya on the other hand reacted full of emotion. Yaz couldn’t find it in her heart to blame her. As Yaz explained her wishes to stay on the Tardis with the Doctor her eyes had met Sonya’s, and the heartbreak her sister felt was evident. Sonya had stood up from the table, tears starting to overflow and stormed off to her bedroom. She didn’t even turn to look at Yaz before slamming her door shut behind her. Yaz had sat for a minute, not sure what to do. Sonya’s sobs were loud enough to be heard through the walls. She had risen to get up and follow her to her bedroom with the intention to apologise, when her mum’s hand had grabbed hers.  
“Leave her sweetie, it’s okay. She doesn’t need your apologies, she already understands” Najia sighed “She just… she doesn’t want her sister to leave.”  
She knew her mum didn’t mean to leave the house for the Tardis.

As Yaz pulled herself out of her memories those words continued to echo around her brain. _She doesn’t want her sister to leave. She doesn’t want her sister to leave._  
“I’m so sorry Sonya” she whispered, her breathing shallow.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

// _If you’re scared, I’m on my way._ //

The door creaked open as the Doctor returned with custard cream in hand. She looked over at Yaz who hadn’t stirred at the sound of the door opening as she usually would. Her heart quickened and her mouth went dry.  
_‘No no, not yet’_ she thought to herself as she crept over to where Yaz lay peacefully in bed.  
“Yaz… Yaz” she whispered and held her breath praying for a response.  
Yaz stirred, so little that if the Doctor had blinked she would’ve missed it. She gently rested her hand on Yaz’s and knelt at the side of the bed. Yaz’s eyes fluttered and crept back open as the Doctor felt a small sigh of relief leave her mouth - the last thing she wanted was for Yaz to be alone. She knew how that felt.  
“Yaz… What do you need? Can I do anything?” she asked.  
“Doctor…” Yaz breathed out.  
The Doctor looked down at her, their eyes met, and she knew. Her chest ached as she intertwined her fingers with Yaz’s.  
“I think today we should go on another adventure Yaz. Do you want to see the stars?”  
Yaz hummed gently and her lips turned up at the corner slightly. It was close enough to a smile for the Doctor, and all she needed in acknowledgement to the underlying question Yaz would know she was asking. 

// _I got a fear in my blood._ //

The Doctor untangled her fingers from Yaz’s hesitantly. She rose slightly, leaning over Yaz, sliding her arms underneath her body.  
_‘Of all the humans, she really is the most fragile’_ the Doctor thought to herself as she slowly lifted Yaz from her bed.  
The blankets slipped from Yaz’s skin, leaving her in just one of the Doctor’s old Time Academy t-shirts and a pair of checkered pyjama bottoms - clothes which hung off her fragile frame now more than ever. At the sight of the Yaz the Doctor struggled to hold back a choked sob.  
“Let’s go then Yaz” she whispered, forcing a small smile looking down at the woman in her arms.  
Then she steadily started carrying Yaz in the direction of the console room.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - -

// _Does she know that we bleed the same?_ //

The Doctor lay in the doorway of the Tardis, Yaz curled up in her lap, looking across the universe. Yaz was facing the direction of the stars, but the Doctor wasn’t even sure whether her eyes were open to see. Her hand stroked across Yaz’s cheek rhythmically in a way the Doctor hoped would be comforting. She looked so peaceful despite her long hair braided back only highlighting the gauntness of her face. A year ago this would’ve been the Doctor’s idea of heaven, the potential of the entire universe out there to explore with her Yaz. But now it was her hell. The whole universe was out there staring back at her, taunting her, knowing how much she hated the idea of exploring it alone once again.  
_‘Yaz deserved to see so much more. She only scratched the surface of what’s out there. It’s not fair’_ the Doctor thought _‘It is never fair’._

// _Searching low in the night._ //

“Doctor” Yaz breathed out “tell me about the stars”.  
The Doctor’s hand paused its motion across Yaz’s cheek momentarily as she looked down at the girl in her lap, who was now barely recognisable to that from a few months ago.  
“You’re still not fed up with my rambling then hey?” she joked, barely getting more than an exhaled attempt at a laugh from Yaz.  
“Stars are fascinating, Yaz. They’re in this kind of constant conflict with themselves. There’s all this collective gravitational energy from the mass of the star pulling it inwards to collapse in on itself. And it would collapse in on itself for millions of years until it became the smallest it could be, which is probably a neutron star. I’m not sure. I’ve never actually watched it happen. I’m not sure why though. I’ve got all the time in the universe for that. I could watch the birth and death of millions of stars if I -”  
Yaz sighed audibly.  
“Oh right, yes, well anyway. Stars don’t do that because they have all this pressure pushing back against their gravitational collapse. That’s light. The core of a star generates an unfathomable amount of energy through nuclear fusion and all these photons push outwards from the core to reach the star’s surface. It takes hundreds of thousands of years”  
The Doctor paused for a moment, leaned down and kissed Yaz against her forehead, causing her eyes to flicker open. The Doctor watched as the view of the universe reflected in Yaz’s eyes. When she next spoke her voice was quieter and softer.  
“It might look like all those stars out there are alone you know, but actually many of them are in pairs. Two stars, binary stars, orbiting the same centre of gravity. It’s beautiful Yaz, the sunrises you experience from a world with two stars around it”  
Tears streaming down the Doctor’s cheeks she looked away from Yaz to gaze at the universe expanding outside the Tardis doors.  
“But not even a sunrise of two stars could compare to you, Yaz”  
Yaz didn’t respond but the Doctor knew she’d heard her, instead she lay still in her lap watching the universe. The Doctor lifted her hand from where it was resting on Yaz’s back and wiped her cheeks.  
_‘All those billions of stars out there and none of them know the loneliness I’ll feel without you, Yaz’_

// _She was carried up into the clouds, high above._ //

They both lay there for a while, Yaz’s eyes now shut. The Doctor didn’t know how long it’d gone since she last spoke. All she wanted to do was just capture this moment, freeze it in time, to keep her Yaz with her forever. Despite her breathing growing shallower and slower as they'd lay in silence, Yaz was the one to break it first.  
“I’m... sorry” she whispered shakily.  
The Doctor looked down to Yaz’s tear stained face, eyes still shut but eyelashes damp as she cried. It broke her heart more than she knew possible to see Yaz like this.  
“Hey now. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for”  
“I love you”  
“I know you do. I love you too. I always have and always will”  
“Doctor it… it hurts”  
The ache the Doctor felt in her chest when she was in Yaz’s bedroom earlier grew stronger. Seeing her in pain, knowing there was nothing she could do, broke both her hearts.  
“I know Yaz, I know. If -” she sobbed “if I could stop it hurting you know I’d do it in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t think twice”

// _Don’t wanna cry, but I break that way._ //

There was a pause, silence except for the Doctor’s stifled cries. Yaz was breathing much gentler and the Doctor didn’t want to speak in case she missed a word Yaz tried to say.  
“Doctor”  
Yaz’s breathing slowed and the Doctor gripped her hand.  
“I’ve got you Yasmin, always”  
Yaz spoke again, slowly, breaths punctuating every word.  
“I… think… you’re… brilliant”  
The Doctor brushed Yaz’s hair back with her fingers, gently tucking it behind her ear. She leaned down and kissed Yaz on her forehead that still rested in her lap. Their foreheads rested against each other as the Doctor cried softly.  
“Oh Yaz… my Yaz… you were brilliant”  
With one hand stroking Yaz’s cheek, the other intertwined with her fingers, the Doctor felt Yaz exhale. 

She didn’t inhale again. 

Only then the Doctor really cried, so loud the whole universe could’ve heard. But the universe was crying with her.

// _Come back home._ // 


End file.
